Thursday, February 7, 2008

Trying to understand God's purpose...

Hi all...
I haven't blogged or done any podcasts in a while, and well honestly... it is because


You may have had a similar experience, or are yourself in a funk as we speak.
Let me tell you why.

In the not so far off past I worked my way to a certain position in a certain industry and admittingly it was hard work, but in a fun industry. I was a pit boss at a Casino. I had worked my way up with Harrah's, furthered my education on my own dime, and had been working for the Grand Sierra Resort & Casino (formerly the Reno Hilton) before I was diagnosed with HG.
It was a good career and when I learned I was pregnant I was relieved that I had this great career that I could provide a good life for my child. It is the same for every single Mom out there... you want to provide a good life for your child, and have a great career... the best of both worlds.

When I was diagnosed with HG, my world was turned upside down! The disease forced my resignation from a job I loved. I had no medical insurance, no income, and a baby on the way. I also had bills to pay... 3 credit cards and a gas card which I only accepted because I wanted their free gas! (LOL) My credit was decent.

Fast forward to mid pregnancy, hospitalized for the 3rd time, my dear friend, Scott, back in Reno tells me the bills are stacking up (which when you are fighting for your unborn child's life and your own... is the least of your worries!) He told me when I feel up to it to try to write a letter explaining the situation and maybe they can work with me, he'd make copies and send them all out and see what happens.

I did and in hind sight I am thinking maybe I should have paid the extra whatever for the insurance all credit cards offer... the (to quote Chris Rock) "In case shit" insurance (LOL). I have never been hospitalized in my life, never had anything worse than the common cold or flu... so why on earth would I subscribe to an insurance that I will never use, that is just a scam to get more money out of most people?

BECAUSE!!! In case shit happens like me getting some RARE pregnancy disease!!! Whoda thunk???

Whatever! I was so over it as they charged me off as a "Bad Debt"... Yes, I am now in financial ruin. BUT! The story doesn't end there.

I knew when I got better and was able to at some point return to work, I would like a phoenix rise from the ashes and rebuild my life. I could go back to my career and clean up my finances and everything would be wonderful!


Fast forward to the past few weeks...
I applied for and was offered a great position with one of the biggest casinos in So Cal! I was sooo happy! However, a few days later... bad news... they cannot approve my gaming license (nor will any casino in So Cal)!!! Why???? Charge offs and unpaid Medical bills. They said if I paid it off I was welcome to re-apply... ok, great... how do I do that without a job? and... the position I applied for is now going to "the second best candidate" because obviously I was the best candidate or they would not have made the offer!!!

So with that feeling of elation, my bubble was burst and I am now in a FUNK...trying to figure out God's purpose! As you can see it is disturbing my sleep, keeping me up at night... my son is finally sleeping through the night, and I am up at 3:28 am worrying about...
what the @%&! (expletive) I am going to do now!

I am angry. I was robbed. I was robbed of my health, robbed of the enjoyment of pregnancy, robbed of a family, robbed of future children, and now my career.

Ahhhh...the eternal optimist in me speaks...
There must be a REASON. I dont know what it is yet, but there must be.
I know with every fiber of my being that my child is the greatest gift in my life. He is the reason I smile every day. He was meant to be and my intuition tells me that the universe conspired to make sure he came to be...and here he is.

Maybe I was on the wrong path and this is how my path is changed, so I find the right one.
I remember a quote : "God's delays are not God's denials"
I tend to be quite impatient so... perhaps it is time to learn PATIENCE... it is a virtue after all (LOL)

My son is growing up so fast and he gets frustrated sometimes when he is doing stuff...and I always tell him "patience my son, patience is a virtue", I guess it is true... when you teach you also learn!

If you are going through something similar... here is what gets me through...
think back to your darkest hour... Mine was sitting in the emergency room all alone (they wouldnt let my Mom back with me at the time) and after suffering from HG for months... having the doctor tell me at that moment my life could be in danger from a pulmonary embolism, that I could die, and I needed to choose right then and there... my life or my child's? No parent should ever have to face that. I took a chance, must have been the "gambler" in me... but sometimes faith is strong medicine. That was my darkest hour, and here WE are... my son and I.

I guess what I am trying to say is... "Keep the faith" (haha...a Padres plug!) Something i am trying hard to do right now.

Thanks for letting me vent, I'll get over this funk and back to my task soon!

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