Trying to understand God's purpose...

Hi all...
I haven't blogged or done any podcasts in a while, and well honestly... it is because

I AM IN A FUNK.

You may have had a similar experience, or are yourself in a funk as we speak.
Let me tell you why.

In the not so far off past I worked my way to a certain position in a certain industry and admittingly it was hard work, but in a fun industry. I was a pit boss at a Casino. I had worked my way up with Harrah's, furthered my education on my own dime, and had been working for the Grand Sierra Resort & Casino (formerly the Reno Hilton) before I was diagnosed with HG.
It was a good career and when I learned I was pregnant I was relieved that I had this great career that I could provide a good life for my child. It is the same for every single Mom out there... you want to provide a good life for your child, and have a great career... the best of both worlds.

When I was diagnosed with HG, my world was turned upside down! The disease forced my resignation from a job I loved. I had no medical insurance, no income, and a baby on the way. I also had bills to pay... 3 credit cards and a gas card which I only accepted because I wanted their free gas! (LOL) My credit was decent.

Fast forward to mid pregnancy, hospitalized for the 3rd time, my dear friend, Scott, back in Reno tells me the bills are stacking up (which when you are fighting for your unborn child's life and your own... is the least of your worries!) He told me when I feel up to it to try to write a letter explaining the situation and maybe they can work with me, he'd make copies and send them all out and see what happens.

I did and in hind sight I am thinking maybe I should have paid the extra whatever for the insurance all credit cards offer... the (to quote Chris Rock) "In case shit" insurance (LOL). I have never been hospitalized in my life, never had anything worse than the common cold or flu... so why on earth would I subscribe to an insurance that I will never use, that is just a scam to get more money out of most people?

BECAUSE!!! In case shit happens like me getting some RARE pregnancy disease!!! Whoda thunk???

Whatever! I was so over it as they charged me off as a "Bad Debt"... Yes, I am now in financial ruin. BUT! The story doesn't end there.

I knew when I got better and was able to at some point return to work, I would like a phoenix rise from the ashes and rebuild my life. I could go back to my career and clean up my finances and everything would be wonderful!

WRONG

Fast forward to the past few weeks...
I applied for and was offered a great position with one of the biggest casinos in So Cal! I was sooo happy! However, a few days later... bad news... they cannot approve my gaming license (nor will any casino in So Cal)!!! Why???? Charge offs and unpaid Medical bills. They said if I paid it off I was welcome to re-apply... ok, great... how do I do that without a job? and... the position I applied for is now going to "the second best candidate" because obviously I was the best candidate or they would not have made the offer!!!

So with that feeling of elation, my bubble was burst and I am now in a FUNK...trying to figure out God's purpose! As you can see it is disturbing my sleep, keeping me up at night... my son is finally sleeping through the night, and I am up at 3:28 am worrying about...
what the @%&! (expletive) I am going to do now!

I am angry. I was robbed. I was robbed of my health, robbed of the enjoyment of pregnancy, robbed of a family, robbed of future children, and now my career.

Ahhhh...the eternal optimist in me speaks...
There must be a REASON. I dont know what it is yet, but there must be.
I know with every fiber of my being that my child is the greatest gift in my life. He is the reason I smile every day. He was meant to be and my intuition tells me that the universe conspired to make sure he came to be...and here he is.

Maybe I was on the wrong path and this is how my path is changed, so I find the right one.
I remember a quote : "God's delays are not God's denials"
I tend to be quite impatient so... perhaps it is time to learn PATIENCE... it is a virtue after all (LOL)

My son is growing up so fast and he gets frustrated sometimes when he is doing stuff...and I always tell him "patience my son, patience is a virtue", I guess it is true... when you teach you also learn!

If you are going through something similar... here is what gets me through...
think back to your darkest hour... Mine was sitting in the emergency room all alone (they wouldnt let my Mom back with me at the time) and after suffering from HG for months... having the doctor tell me at that moment my life could be in danger from a pulmonary embolism, that I could die, and I needed to choose right then and there... my life or my child's? No parent should ever have to face that. I took a chance, must have been the "gambler" in me... but sometimes faith is strong medicine. That was my darkest hour, and here WE are... my son and I.

I guess what I am trying to say is... "Keep the faith" (haha...a Padres plug!) Something i am trying hard to do right now.

Thanks for letting me vent, I'll get over this funk and back to my task soon!

Podcast: Episode 4 Book Reading

Episode 4 Book Reading

Today's reading from my book, Letters to Zane, included:
Page 34, A letter dated August 18, 2006
Page 35, A letter dated August 19, 2006 thru August 21, 2006

Also, the continuation of my adventures with HG : "How debilitating HG is and My Flight Home."

Also visit my activist page:
http://my.care2.com/lokelani33
Sign my petition to encourage government funding of much needed HG research!

I am looking for women to share their HG Stories!
If you have suffered from HG and want to tell your story please email me : letterstozane@yahoo.com

Have A Happy Turkey Day!
Sorry for the not so great quality of this week's recording...still figuring out this mic!

Episode 3 Podcast available...

Episode 3 is up! It includes:

Pages 27, A letter dated August 12, 2006
Pages 32, A letter dated August 16, 2006

Also, the continuation of my adventures with HG : "My hair falling out & resigning from my job."

Dont forget to visit my activist page:http://my.care2.com/lokelani33

Sign my petition to encourage government funding of much needed HG research!

Also! I am looking for women to share their HG Stories!
If you have suffered from HG and want to tell your story on my podcast please email me : letterstozane@yahoo.com

Podcast Episode 2 is up!

YEAH!!!
I dont know what was wrong with the file, but it is up and ready for your listening pleasure :)
I started a new little thing with my podcast, "Raynie's adventures with HG" where I tell you little stories about my experiences that are not in the book.

Raynie's trip to Walmart for a prescription, is my first story in the series it is just what it sounds like...the horrible trip to get my medication, medication that did absolutely nothing to help me!!! LOL

Podcast Resumes...

Hi all!
I havent done a new podcast lately because I have been glued to my TV, cell phone and messenger waiting anxiously for word from family and friends in So Cal.

Thankfully most were safe and out of harms way, but I have some friends who have lost everything...

My love and prayers go out to them and their families, as well as all those in So Cal effected by these fires.

I thank those on the front lines who do what they can, putting themselves in harms way... and the Governator for his quick response.

For the latest updates and ways you can help the fire victims check the fireblog:
http://sosdfireblog.blogspot.com/

The Letters to Zane podcast will resume this Sunday night.

Share Your Story...

Hello All...

As you know I have started my podcast, It is available from iTunes.

I would like to have guests share their HG Stories. If you are currently suffering from HG, are an HG Survivor, or have cared for someone suffering from HG... Share your Story!

Together we can raise awareness and help other women...
email me for details: letterstozane@yahoo.com

New... (updated 10/19)

Hi all...
I just published the next episode in my podcast. :)
Jenifer just let me know that she couldn't find it in the iTunes store.
It is there, but it is under Artist: Raynie

or you can use the link on the left...

or go to letterstozane.mypodcast.com

Thanks for tuning in :)

***Update: I fixed the problem in my podcast account :)
you can now find the podcast by searching for Raynie Andrewsen in your iTunes!